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I have a love-hate relationship with the Olympics. I love the thrill of skilled competition, the prowess of the athletes, and the excitement of the crowd. I don’t, however, love the quest of medals and the disappointment expressed by government and media when the medal collection is low. Is it really that important when coming in 5th or 10th still means you are an incredible, world class athlete? Does athleticism really equate to whose country is better than another or should we not have another standard of measurement like compassion, egalitarianism and/or fair government. I could go on and might still in a future blog but on this last day of the 2010 Winter Olympics, hosted by my hometown of Vancouver, and on the last day of the Interdependent Challenge, I will only talk of the positive: the examples I saw of true Olympic interdependent spirit.
There was the international admiration and support of Joannie Rochette, who went on to compete two days after the sudden death of her mother; the camaraderie between the Slovakian and Canadian men’s hockey teams after a hard fought battle in the semi-finals; the good natured gesture from the Norwegian Men’s curling coach to the winning Canadian team; and the quote from a Slovakian Woman Hockey player that basically said she didn’t care they lost 18-0 against Canada, they were just thrilled to play. I saw respect for athleticism that went beyond international borders and a mutual love of sport and competition. And on this final day I saw a community of athletes celebrate together in a party of goodwill and fun.
The world came to Vancouver and, in the few times I ventured downtown, felt only a warm sensation of goodwill and cheer. We maintained our identity while spreading the welcome mat to all who came.
Mutuality, Respect, Community: Interdependence
Sunday, February 28, 2010
Saturday, February 27, 2010
Day 6/7 The Interdependent Challenge
The challenge was met today on-line. A long-distance friend emailed me to say I hurt him in a recent conversation. He went on to explain the nature of it from his perspective: naming certain things that he felt were going on with me. This irritated me somewhat because it is an old story that while true in the past, has lost its meaning today. I responded by acknowledging his feelings and then told my story without blaming or laying on new irritations. I ended by acknowledging certain aspects of my personality that, while I am working on them, may have led him to feel hurt.
I didn’t allow my codependent parts to rush in and correct his version of the story, I actually let it stay in my inbox for two days. I didn’t bring in new stories of how he hurt me in a tit for tat game nor ask for forgiveness for something that I have nothing for which to feel guilt. Instead, in mutuality, I respected both his and my boundaries by keeping blame and guilt out of the picture and did my best to clarify and take responsibility for my part in why the misunderstanding occurred.
Mutuality, Respect and Community: Interdependence
Friday, February 26, 2010
Day 6/7 The Interdependence Challenge
Day 6 and I am going to schleff off for the day. (I dont even know if that is a word but what I mean is that I am going to play hookey.) I am out at Unbridled Potential getting to know the four-legged therapists (yes, the horses) a bit better, the ones that are going to be co-teaching The Essence of ARC workshop on May 14-16 out here in Abbotsford. So, back to you tomorrow, in the meantime, happy interdependence to you.
Thursday, February 25, 2010
Day 5/7 The Interdependent Challenge
Today I stated my boundaries and got through another 24 hours of (trumpet sounds, please) The Interdependent Challenge.
At 9:30 this morning, I hopped on the bus for a half hour ride to my bodywork session. I got there at the scheduled time only to find the door locked. I waited ten more minutes, left a polite message on their v-mail, and went home. A few hours later, the receptionist called back to state I had made a mistake, my appointment was next Thursday. “No,” I said, “I have been coming every week, why would I skip this week?” “But your practitioner isn’t here this morning, I wouldn’t have booked you in.” “Well, you did,” I said, “I wrote it in my book.” I finally elicited an apology from her but it was without any sense of responsibility. She had made a mistake and I was the one paying for it through time and energy. There was no offer of compensation just a question if I was going to come next week. I told her I would think about it and call back.
I needed time to sort through all the different parts that were coming up. Although I was definitely irritated, especially for her “you made a mistake” comment, I was also somewhat softened by her apology. I was angry, however, that there was no acknowledgement of my time and energy and knew that if I had made the mistake and missed an appointment, I would have been charged the full amount. I even signed a clause stating I agreed to this. Even if I had sincerely said, “sorry” I would still have had to take financial responsibility for it. So, why shouldn’t they?
What was holding me back from demanding compensation was the “nice” part—the part of me that doesn’t like to rock the boat: I wanted good session work; I didn’t want bad feelings; I wanted to be the good client. In other words, the nice part is my codependent part that felt that I had to do things their way to get respect and good service.
I emailed a friend with my dilemma and she responded perfectly: “What would your interdependent self do?”
With that reinforcement, I called the practitioner, stated my case and got what I wanted: 50% discount off on my next session. I was respectful and compassionate to her receptionist’s mistake while being respectful to my boundaries and needs. In asking for just 50%, I acknowledged that mistakes happen but that the consequences need not be extreme or revenging. Finally, I feel we both gained: I felt stronger in who I was and the practitioner earned more of my respect and some client loyalty.
Mutuality, Respect and Community: Interdependence.
At 9:30 this morning, I hopped on the bus for a half hour ride to my bodywork session. I got there at the scheduled time only to find the door locked. I waited ten more minutes, left a polite message on their v-mail, and went home. A few hours later, the receptionist called back to state I had made a mistake, my appointment was next Thursday. “No,” I said, “I have been coming every week, why would I skip this week?” “But your practitioner isn’t here this morning, I wouldn’t have booked you in.” “Well, you did,” I said, “I wrote it in my book.” I finally elicited an apology from her but it was without any sense of responsibility. She had made a mistake and I was the one paying for it through time and energy. There was no offer of compensation just a question if I was going to come next week. I told her I would think about it and call back.
I needed time to sort through all the different parts that were coming up. Although I was definitely irritated, especially for her “you made a mistake” comment, I was also somewhat softened by her apology. I was angry, however, that there was no acknowledgement of my time and energy and knew that if I had made the mistake and missed an appointment, I would have been charged the full amount. I even signed a clause stating I agreed to this. Even if I had sincerely said, “sorry” I would still have had to take financial responsibility for it. So, why shouldn’t they?
What was holding me back from demanding compensation was the “nice” part—the part of me that doesn’t like to rock the boat: I wanted good session work; I didn’t want bad feelings; I wanted to be the good client. In other words, the nice part is my codependent part that felt that I had to do things their way to get respect and good service.
I emailed a friend with my dilemma and she responded perfectly: “What would your interdependent self do?”
With that reinforcement, I called the practitioner, stated my case and got what I wanted: 50% discount off on my next session. I was respectful and compassionate to her receptionist’s mistake while being respectful to my boundaries and needs. In asking for just 50%, I acknowledged that mistakes happen but that the consequences need not be extreme or revenging. Finally, I feel we both gained: I felt stronger in who I was and the practitioner earned more of my respect and some client loyalty.
Mutuality, Respect and Community: Interdependence.
Wednesday, February 24, 2010
Day 4/7 The Interdependent Challenge
I must admit, I wasn’t very interdependent today but, on the positive side, I wasn’t very codependent either. However, I did witness a lovely act which shall suffice to fill in for the day’s challenge.
I was over at a friend’s house when the teenage son came in and, grabbing a plate out of the cupboard, gathered an afternoon snack. As his fingers touched the back side of the plate they slid against some leftover grease. “Ewwww,” he said, “why is this plate so dirty?”
The mother, who has designated dishwashing as one of his chores, casually replied, “That’s what happens when you don’t wash dishes properly.” She didn’t get up and offer to clean the dish, nor take over his duties so that it would be done right, she just told it like it was. In a calm, rather benign manner, she held space for her son so he could witness the consequences of his negligence.
It was perfect. My friend manifested appropriate boundaries without shaming or bailing out her child. He learned, or at least started learning a lesson, about house maintenance and responsibility that would ultimately be a bonus for the family if not his future partners and, while no one was particularly energized, no one loss energy either. Mutuality, respect and community: Interdependence.
I was over at a friend’s house when the teenage son came in and, grabbing a plate out of the cupboard, gathered an afternoon snack. As his fingers touched the back side of the plate they slid against some leftover grease. “Ewwww,” he said, “why is this plate so dirty?”
The mother, who has designated dishwashing as one of his chores, casually replied, “That’s what happens when you don’t wash dishes properly.” She didn’t get up and offer to clean the dish, nor take over his duties so that it would be done right, she just told it like it was. In a calm, rather benign manner, she held space for her son so he could witness the consequences of his negligence.
It was perfect. My friend manifested appropriate boundaries without shaming or bailing out her child. He learned, or at least started learning a lesson, about house maintenance and responsibility that would ultimately be a bonus for the family if not his future partners and, while no one was particularly energized, no one loss energy either. Mutuality, respect and community: Interdependence.
Tuesday, February 23, 2010
Day 3/7 The Interdependent Challenge
Codependence can be as much about rigid boundaries as having no boundaries or vague ones. Tonight, while not specifically interdependent, I went against my codependent part’s desires and felt energized because of it.
I met up with a friend after work for some tea and a walk. I planned it to be a short evening with an hour or two of work on my return and early to bed. Instead we ended up at her place for dinner and some Olympic skating on TV. Several times during the evening, hearing my codependent parts calling me home, I would tell my friend that I was catching the next bus. Half an hour later, I would still be there because another part of me didn’t want to go, I was enjoying myself.
At different times in my life I have set up rigid boundaries telling me how to run my social life: where, when and what to eat; how long to socialize; strict bed times. Although I could justify these rules with a certain amount of (and, at times, illogical) rationalization, what I was really doing was trying to find ways to keep safe. Without a solid foundation of internal safety, I needed external rules to do the job for me. I wont go into details as I have written about this in previous entries but needless to say, tonight, for whatever reason, I fell back into default mode and tried to deny myself some fun by setting up some rigid boundaries: no dinner, short visit, early to bed.
Thankfully, I was more present than in the past and could see what was happening; so could my friend. She kept the invitation open while I silently worked with this part of me that wasn’t feeling comfortable. I ate the dinner I said I wasn’t going to and watched the skating that I had “no time” for. And, like I said, I thoroughly enjoyed myself.
So, yes, in an interdependent way, I took care of myself by stretching my boundaries. I created a sense of internal safety through self talk while accepting the unobtrusive and welcome invitation of my friend (an external safety). Moreover, I felt quite happy, in fact, energized by night end and trust that my friend, if not energized, enjoyed the company.
Mutuality, respect and community: Interdependence.
I met up with a friend after work for some tea and a walk. I planned it to be a short evening with an hour or two of work on my return and early to bed. Instead we ended up at her place for dinner and some Olympic skating on TV. Several times during the evening, hearing my codependent parts calling me home, I would tell my friend that I was catching the next bus. Half an hour later, I would still be there because another part of me didn’t want to go, I was enjoying myself.
At different times in my life I have set up rigid boundaries telling me how to run my social life: where, when and what to eat; how long to socialize; strict bed times. Although I could justify these rules with a certain amount of (and, at times, illogical) rationalization, what I was really doing was trying to find ways to keep safe. Without a solid foundation of internal safety, I needed external rules to do the job for me. I wont go into details as I have written about this in previous entries but needless to say, tonight, for whatever reason, I fell back into default mode and tried to deny myself some fun by setting up some rigid boundaries: no dinner, short visit, early to bed.
Thankfully, I was more present than in the past and could see what was happening; so could my friend. She kept the invitation open while I silently worked with this part of me that wasn’t feeling comfortable. I ate the dinner I said I wasn’t going to and watched the skating that I had “no time” for. And, like I said, I thoroughly enjoyed myself.
So, yes, in an interdependent way, I took care of myself by stretching my boundaries. I created a sense of internal safety through self talk while accepting the unobtrusive and welcome invitation of my friend (an external safety). Moreover, I felt quite happy, in fact, energized by night end and trust that my friend, if not energized, enjoyed the company.
Mutuality, respect and community: Interdependence.
Monday, February 22, 2010
Day 2/7 The Interdependence Challenge
(See the February 20 entry for an introduction to the Challenge).
I had a conversation today with another helping professional. Although we want the same for our clients—an emotional and physical space where they can respond to life and live their passion—we go about our work from different perspectives. We were discussing the possibility of me doing a presentation at one of her association’s monthly meetings. It was an excellent discussion. And, while I can only speak for myself, the feeling was that neither of us compromised on our respective philosophies, we both clarified our positions but looked for commonalities, and went away with a certain respect for each other. Our boundaries were flexible rather than rigid (no “my way or the highway”) and we reached an agreement that worked for both of us without loss of energy. In fact, I felt energized by this interdependent interaction.
I had a conversation today with another helping professional. Although we want the same for our clients—an emotional and physical space where they can respond to life and live their passion—we go about our work from different perspectives. We were discussing the possibility of me doing a presentation at one of her association’s monthly meetings. It was an excellent discussion. And, while I can only speak for myself, the feeling was that neither of us compromised on our respective philosophies, we both clarified our positions but looked for commonalities, and went away with a certain respect for each other. Our boundaries were flexible rather than rigid (no “my way or the highway”) and we reached an agreement that worked for both of us without loss of energy. In fact, I felt energized by this interdependent interaction.
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