Is co-dependence always a bad thing?

I was asked this question the other day by email. The short answer is that codependence is just a label and, like all labels, it’s subjective, dependent on the eye of the beholder.

For me, even though I saw codependence as a “bad thing” for many years, I had a lot of codependent parts at work. I viewed the dependent, submissive aspects of this condition as bad but didn’t see that my overly independent, strong, and controlling characteristics were part of the same dynamic. As I suggest in this blog’s side bar, a part of me believed that by manifesting my strong parts I would get approval from others. These strong parts, however, were just a mask, I, too, was craving approval, validation and love. The thing is, that until I learned to first look inside for these qualities, I had no choice but to search for them outside myself. And, as many of you know, the search never ends. Until we fully accept ourselves, external approval will never be enough.

However, having said that, I portrayed the mask of strong, independence and control for many years, it must have worked for me at some level.

As I say to my students: so what if the behaviour is codependent. The question is, does the behaviour serve you? For many years it did, until it did not. Then I went into recovery.