What unsuspected fear there was in submitting my first blog. The whole process seemed to take forever: preparing an address list to announce the new venture; writing and re-writing the announcement; editing and reediting the article several times … multiple times … before I tentatively pushed the “publish” button. And what a rush of adrenalin to accompany this tentative thrust: my heart raced, my breathing, rapid and shallow; I couldn’t keep still, the ol’ flight or fight thing was playing its tune. With nowhere to flee I ended up scrubbing bathroom tiles to burn off excess energy.

Several hours later, much calmer, I sat and reflected on my feelings. What was really going on? Was it stage fright? After all, any one, anyone in the world now has the potential to see what I think and feel and more importantly to me, how I convey it. Or was it just typical codependent fretfulness in worrying about what other people think of me?

I decided to write a blog for two main reasons: one, it would be a great way to establish a writing regime which all writing experts seem to say you must do and which concept I have eternally struggled with and two, I would learn more about codependence and my relationship to it. If I had to prioritize one of them, it would be the latter. As I say in class, every time I teach a Creative Codependence workshop I learn something new about myself. This aspect of teaching excites me and I find the same process happens when I write. It serves me then, first and foremost, to write this blog. Of course, there is the potential side benefit that someone might read it, like what I have to say and register for a workshop or book a session. It wasnt the main reason but it was there.

So, it was with great surprise when the adrenalin hit. What did it matter if I put my words out there when the blog was first and foremost designed for my eyes only? And why was I checking for comments every twenty minutes when I really didn’t expect a readership let alone a large one? Truly, Jo-Ann, I thought, what has gotten into you?

What was happening there was that I temporarily bequeathed Self leadership to my codependent parts. These parts wanted to be liked and appreciated for what I had written and went looking for outside validation. They went into panic mode: scared that no one would read the blog but more scared that someone would and not like it.

Now, I could be hard on myself because of this fact but why bother? The moment was temporary, I got my bathroom tiles scrubbed and I learned a little bit more about myself. Moreover, when I calmed down, I realized I was proud of myself and pleased with my work – I could self validate be satisfied with that.

However, I do thank all those who did email me with congratulations …. my codependent parts were thrilled and my interdependent parts enjoyed the bonus (but not the necessity) of being seen and heard.