Day 3/7 The Interdependent Challenge

Codependence can be as much about rigid boundaries as having no boundaries or vague ones. Tonight, while not specifically interdependent, I went against my codependent part’s desires and felt energized because of it.

I met up with a friend after work for some tea and a walk. I planned it to be a short evening with an hour or two of work on my return and early to bed. Instead we ended up at her place for dinner and some Olympic skating on TV. Several times during the evening, hearing my codependent parts calling me home, I would tell my friend that I was catching the next bus. Half an hour later, I would still be there because another part of me didn’t want to go, I was enjoying myself.

At different times in my life I have set up rigid boundaries telling me how to run my social life: where, when and what to eat; how long to socialize; strict bed times. Although I could justify these rules with a certain amount of (and, at times, illogical) rationalization, what I was really doing was trying to find ways to keep safe. Without a solid foundation of internal safety, I needed external rules to do the job for me. I wont go into details as I have written about this in previous entries but needless to say, tonight, for whatever reason, I fell back into default mode and tried to deny myself some fun by setting up some rigid boundaries: no dinner, short visit, early to bed.

Thankfully, I was more present than in the past and could see what was happening; so could my friend. She kept the invitation open while I silently worked with this part of me that wasn’t feeling comfortable. I ate the dinner I said I wasn’t going to and watched the skating that I had “no time” for. And, like I said, I thoroughly enjoyed myself.

So, yes, in an interdependent way, I took care of myself by stretching my boundaries. I created a sense of internal safety through self talk while accepting the unobtrusive and welcome invitation of my friend (an external safety). Moreover, I felt quite happy, in fact, energized by night end and trust that my friend, if not energized, enjoyed the company.

Mutuality, respect and community: Interdependence.